TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully outside of location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let us have A further put wherever American Adult men can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: supply All people a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It's that he should halt applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head obvious from House, a element being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The Trump Tower Damascus advert campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting attention from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where my PTSD can have flip-down provider."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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